I usually get excited when my friends tell me that I'm really lucky. For example, when my friends say stuff like, "Your life is literally perfect," the excitement doesn't last very long.
I grew up very blessed, and I still very much am. Growing up, my parents made it very clear to my sisters and I that there were strict rules to follow for the purpose of our protection. No boyfriend until after college, no electronics after 9:00 PM every school night (excluding seasonal breaks such as summer), earning nothing below A's in school, etc.
I was always able to follow these rules with ease, but going into high school made that so much more difficult. I felt that I was maybe "qualified" enough to be exempt from some of their rules that I found silly. I was a little delusional, obviously. I still do not get to keep my phone or my laptop during school nights.
Before freaking out, I always try to understand my parents, and 99.99% of the time, I always understand their intentions, and they usually always boil down to one explanation: They just care about me and want to protect me. But that percentage has dropped far below 99.99% not even halfway into high school.
My sister once told me that our parents are like polar opposites and that maybe that's why they're so compatible, like how my mom is the more understanding and emotional parent while my dad is more strict and closed off.
Usually, whenever I've had a really bad day at school, I always go to my mom for advice, whether it be because of getting rejected from an internship or if I got left out of the friend group I've been trying to bond with again, my mom ALWAYS knows exactly what to say. The problem is, she's always at work, and she comes home at night, meaning I have to spend several hours bottling up my emotions in front of the rest of my family before my mom gets home.
I definitely have my little sister, but I always feel bad for stressing her out since she also has homework, and she's a little awkward at comforting. My other sister is the youngest out of all of us, so she wouldn't really know how to comfort me either... and of course, I never go to my dad for comfort. I would rather go through the risk of crashing a car on the way to see my mom at work just to go to her for comfort than going to my dad.
My point is, my mom has always been there for me, and is always proud of me no matter what. One time, I started breaking down after I got a B in my Introduction to Psychology class. At this point, it was natural for me to base my worth on my grades, but all of my self-degrading thoughts disappeared as soon as my mom pulled me into a hug, and I will never forget what she told me:
"Look at this as a bump on the road. This one B is not going to determine your success and you shouldn't, because no matter what, I am so proud of you. I'll always be proud of you."
Words couldn't even express how full my heart felt. I wanted to be in my mom's embrace forever.
A few days later, my dad came into my sister's room since I was hanging out with her. It was the first day of winter break, my favorite time of the year, since everyone knows Christmas season is when I'm the absolute happiest. My excitement was completely shattered when my dad brought up the B from my college class. "So, your mom told me you got a B in that college class," he continues, "...how come?"
I couldn't believe it. It was the first day of winter break, and he knows how much I enjoy winter.
"I don't know," I was trying to sound confident, but I kept breaking eye contact. "I think I was just really stressed since I was also taking that class with my other regular classes at the high school." He goes on to tell me that I should have just saved it for the summer and that I should focus harder.
My whole day was ruined. I know it was a small action, and that he meant well, but I didn't really need that. I already acknowledged that I could have done better, and all he did was make it worse, like he was shoving it in my face. Maybe a, "I'm still really proud of you, and I know you'll get it next time," would've helped.
I think my high standards come from my dad, which can be a good and bad thing. Good, because it motivates me to excel in all aspects of my education, but on the other hand, I often end up disappointing myself when I don't meet the expectations I create for myself. The fact that my dad also has high expectations of me doesn't help very much either.
I've also developed small habits overtime as a result of creating high standards for myself, like feeling the need to be productive everyday or else I'll feel completely useless. For example, even though I signed up to do a college class this summer, it still doesn't feel like enough. I spend several hours emailing professors for research opportunities and looking for internships to feel worthy of myself that day, like I actually accomplished something. I often feel guilty and/or bored for having free time that I'm not using to be productive.
However, it's been getting a lot better. I found a YouTuber recently that I've actually been enjoying (gotta love the Koury sisters)!! I started balancing my time with chores, productivity, piano, and free time, and I've been feeling pretty good about it... until today.
I usually go downstairs around 3:30 PM to get a snack with my sister, but we wait until our dad finishes eating. I thought I heard my dad go upstairs, so I told my sister to go downstairs with me, but he ended up coming downstairs not even a minute later. My sister quickly ate and left, which is exactly what I should have done, but I was already halfway into making s'mores cookies. As I was eating, my youngest sister ended up leaving, so my dad made small talk about school (duh).
He asked about my college class again as if he hasn't asked the past three times this week, but I answered anyway. I even told him that I asked to get early access to the homework for the next two weeks and ended up finishing them so that I wouldn't get stressed on the road trip we planned, since my parents were really worried about me getting stressed out with college work.
But of course, instead of saying something like, "Wow, good job!" He says, "You better be finishing your assignments carefully."
I wanted to cry. I couldn't even enjoy the s'mores cookies I'd been dying to dry in peace. This is exactly why my sister and I always wait for him to leave the kitchen before going there. It's like he's immune to being proud of me, like he can't even trust that I take my work seriously.
Everyone in my family knows I'm a pretty sensitive person; something as little as what my dad said can ruin my day pretty quickly. I went upstairs as soon as he was gone and spent the next two hours crying.
Find comfort in someone who resonates with you
I feel that it's a lot easier to talk to your siblings about struggles that come from your family, since your siblings most likely face the same struggles you're facing.
My sister and I are only two years apart, and she's pretty much my best friend. We've gone through almost everything together, like getting our first phones and learning how to do chores.
We've also experienced the pressure that has been put upon us since we were young, which makes it easy to talk about my struggles to her because she resonates with me.
Even if she's awkward at comforting, nothing is more comforting than knowing that she knows exactly how I feel, which is already more than enough for me to feel at ease.
Find a hobby/activity you genuinely enjoy
When people ask me about my hobbies, playing the piano comes up inevitably. Singing used to be my #1 hobby until I had to stop receiving voice lessons after 5 years, and I never really got to perform solo in front of a big crowd for a while now. I find that playing the piano allows me to express my emotions whenever I feel frustrated. In a way, when I stopped receiving lessons, I was able to go by my own pace, and I still end up playing every single day.
On school days though, I usually have a bunch of homework, and will barely have any time to practice. During these days, I like journaling for a little while. The only con is that my brain will think faster than I write, which happens a lot when I'm really frustrated. On the other hand, journaling allows my thoughts to slow down, which puts me at ease no matter how agitated I feel. I find journaling to be the most effective when I'm super busy, because it allows me to get back to my tasks at peace.
Pressure is inevitable, and at one point, everyone experiences it at some extent.
What ultimately matters is how we deal with that pressure and how we let it affect us. I'm not saying that you can control how it makes you feel, but that the way we deal with pressure can have a significant effect on our mental health.
Everyone comes from families with different backgrounds, and dealing with pressure may look different in each household. For example, growing up, my parents always told me to deal with it instead of crying about it. However, my mom knows how sensitive I am and she realized she couldn't really stop me from crying.
It's okay to let out your emotions, and you really should. Pressure is going to come and go at some extent for everyone, so it's important that we know how to deal with pressure and that we take care of ourselves in the process.
My parents always used to tell me that it would get harder, which I've already accepted. That's why it's crucial for us to build coping methods that work for ourselves, and that we have an outlet to reach out to when we deal with pressure.
The color red represents strength and courage. Let this be a reminder that everyone has the strength and courage to fight against challenges and hardships, regardless of the difficulty.
My name is Yesha Sacatani, and this is my story. What's yours?
Self-Lovin' Hearts
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