Difficult isn't enough of a word to describe the challenge of growing up in a Filipino household while trying my best to love myself at the same time. I could think of all the synonyms: demanding, challenging, painful, etc. If I could think of one word that could perfectly sum it up, it would be heavy.
Usually, teenage Asian characters in TV shows or in movies are depicted with overly strict parents who constantly remind them to keep their grades up, goes to church, and has a bedtime and curfew despite their age. I like to think of Lane Kim from Gilmore Girls (one of my comfort shows), who perfectly fits the criteria from the characteristics I listed.
She's Korean, strictly religious, and isn't allowed to have a boyfriend. Because of her strict home life, she secretly joins a rock band, since she feels connected to drumming. Once Lane was ready to tell her mother that being in a rock band was what she wanted to do, her mother was disappointed in her.
Some people may argue that the way teenage Asian characters are depicted are an exaggeration, but most of it is pretty accurate (although I do agree that some Asian characters tend to be stereotypical at times). I would consider Lane Kim one of my comfort characters, since I feel like a Filipino version of her, but with less strict parents. Watching Gilmore Girls, it felt liberating to see Lane deciding to live her own life and fulfilling her dreams of being a drummer, but she also didn't feel fully happy because she knew her mother didn't approve of her life.
I don't just resonate with Lane because we're both Asian and have strict parents, but because we both don't feel complete without our parents' approval. Oftentimes, whenever I accomplish something big, I naturally seek approval from my parents, because it means that I'm doing something right. However, if it's something like getting a good grade on a test, or even getting good grades in general, it's the bare minimum in our family, which is why I set high standards for myself. In a way, I'm thankful that my parents encourage me to go above and beyond, but sometimes, it feels like they want it more than I do.
My friends like to say that I'm the "perfect Asian child", and that I should be able to have more leisure on restrictions. I like to imagine how my life would be like that way, but I remember that I still get my phone and laptop taken during school nights at 16 years old, and I stop myself from even imagining that it could become a reality. The reality is, I'm expected to be the best in everything I do all the time, because that's the bare minimum.
Nonetheless, I always try to put myself in my parents' shoes. I tell myself that they just care about me and want me to grow up without having to worry about swimming in debt and having a stable future, and that they were parented differently in the Philippines, which reflects on how they parent me. I completely understand that, and I'm thankful and blessed every single day that I have parents who genuinely love me and care about me and my growth.
I just wish that sometimes my parents could try and see it from my perspective. I always do my best to see it from their perspective, because I would want them to do that for me, too. For example, I want to tell them that I don't always want to be on top of everything, and that sometimes, I just cry because I'm just tired of the pressure weighing on me.
When I tell this to my friends, their first reaction is, "Why can't you just tell them how you feel?" which, I wish it was that easy. There's a lot of reasons why I can't tell them how I feel, but the most important one is because they don't see it from my point of view.
For example, my parents know that not only am I taking difficult classes, but am also involved in multiple extracurricular activities both in school and outside of school, so it's easy for me to get stressed. While badminton season was ongoing in the spring this year, my parents were more lenient with my electronics because they knew I would have to stay up a little later to finish my homework. One night, I finished my homework early and wanted to use my phone a bit before bed, since I barely got any time to relax that week. Long story short, my parents found out I used my phone for something other than academic purposes and ended up confiscating my things at night again. As a result of this, I was upset because I barely had any time for myself, and I didn't see anything wrong with unwinding a bit before bed. I still made sure to get at least 8 hours every night with the minimum being 7, because I'm responsible and want to be properly rested.
When I tried to communicate this with my mom, I ended up crying because I didn't know how to tell her. It only me a few minutes to calm down, because I felt so used to holding my emotions in all the time. I became more mindful of it when my parents told me that I shouldn't cry right away when I face something difficult, so I try not to.
After I calmed down, I simply asked my mom, "can I keep my stuff tonight?" after rehearsing what to say over and over in my head. It didn't cross my mind that she would ask me why, but when she did, I lost the words to say all over again. She then told me that if I had homework to do, that I can just ask them to keep my electronics instead of crying. But I didn't want to keep my electronics just to do homework, I was trying to tell her that I wanted my electronics so I could have even just a few minutes to unwind, because I didn't want my whole day to be packed with just mindless working and going to sleep afterwards. Still, I couldn't get myself to tell her because rules are rules, and I can't do anything about it.
There are definitely still times where I seek my parents' approval for my accomplishments. There are also still times where I feel valued because of my parents' approval towards my achievements. However, you can still learn to value yourself and put yourself first regardless of the expectations that are set upon you.
Always remember:
Your success is not determined by other people.
This piece of advice was especially hard for me to follow, since I have based my success on my parents' approval most of my life. However, your success should not be determined on how other people see you and your goals. I learned that it takes resilience to stand up and say that you have the final say in determining your success.
If you've looked on our website on the "About" section, you'll know that one of SLH's symbols is the lotus flower, which I'm bringing up because lotus flowers represent resilience because of their ability to bloom despite the muddy environment.
The ability to be resilient and value ourselves in face of other people's expectations of us is a difficult thing to do, but always remember that we all have a lotus flower inside ourselves. We all have the ability to stand up and say that our success is our own to determine, not for others.
If I believe in you, you should believe in yourself too, because I know you can do it. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise!
Surround yourself with people that support your goals.
If your parents are the ones setting those high expectations for you, this point is not in any way to imply that you should avoid your parents. Instead, I am simply here to remind you that you are loved and there are people out there who are proud of you regardless of the bumps you hit on the road. I know this because I am proud of you, and I'm someone, which definitely counts for something.
For example, I know my sister always cheers for me when I accomplish something. I always go to her whenever I have something exciting to tell her, or even just telling her anything in general. She cheers for me not because I have met the expectations she has set for me, but she cheers for me because she is genuinely proud of me no matter what it is, even if it's just me getting an A on a test or finishing all of my homework.
The bottom line is, there are people that are proud of you no matter what you do. Don't ever think you have to work hard to deem yourself worthy for anyone else. You are worthy because you are simply yourself, and that is something to be more than proud of.
I believe in every single one of you reading this, and always remember that there is always someone rooting for you, including me!
Never forget to put yourself first, regardless of the pressure that may be put on you. You got this!
My name is Yesha Sacatani, and this is my story. What's yours? Self-Lovin' Hearts
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