To Deserve Love Is to Exist - Mia B's Story

“Am I deserving of love?”

This is the question that’s been engraved on my mind ever since I was a kid.

Hi! My name is Mia Bonalba, and I’m a current 11th grader attending the American Canyon High School. When I think back to my childhood, I see memories of a lively, chaotic, and hectic family. In other words, there was never a moment of silence in our home. Although this vibrant environment taught me how to collaborate, sympathize, and understand others better, it also led me to put other people’s needs before my own. Growing up with 3 older sisters, whom I admired and respected so much to the extent that I thought they were more deserving of my parents’ love than I was, I forced myself into this belief that my parents were already putting so much time and effort into my sisters, so I needed to make myself as least troubling as possible to allow them to focus on my sisters more. Even though you’re expected to need guidance as a kid, my fear of being "too much" overcame my judgement and made me think that I shouldn’t have to ask for help with anything.

As I entered school, I started dedicating my entire life into academics and based my worth off of grades. I thought that if I got perfect, straight A's, and performed at the highest excellency, my parents wouldn’t have to worry about me. Eventually, like a snowball turning into an avalanche, this small belief that I had as a child developed into a core concept ingrained in my soul as a teen. And that’s when the question, “Am I deserving of love?” flooded my brain.

This belief still lives with me to this day. Even now, I struggle with asking people for help. Even now, I don’t let myself rely on others because I feel like I should know how to do everything by myself. Even now, it’s hard for me to believe that I deserve to be supported. But I’m learning to grow. I’m not completely there yet, but I’m taking the journey to love and embrace myself for exactly who I am one step at a time. And I hope my story can help anyone who might be going through something similar to realize that you are not alone in your experience, and there are ways you can get out of this mindset.

So how do you get out of this mindset?

1. Know that you don’t need to do anything to be deserving of love. You just have to exist! Quite literally, just living is enough to be deserving of love. Love isn’t something that’s earned or something that you have to work for.

2. Give yourself recognition for working hard and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small or little.

3. Let people worry about you. Understand that you aren’t forcing anyone to do this. They’re worrying about you because they care for you, and you deserve to be cared about!

4. Be honest when you aren’t feeling mentally okay. If someone notices and asks if you’re alright, tell the truth and let them know if you aren’t! The first step of breaking away from a certain mindset is self-awareness and allowing others to be there for you.

5. Be your own best friend. Talk to yourself with kind words and don't be too hard on yourself. Don't do anything to yourself that you wouldn't do to your best friend.

6. Journal whenever you find yourself feeling overwhelmed. First, identify the emotion you’re feeling, then why you’re feeling that emotion, what caused it, etc., and look back at what you wrote. Most of the time, what you think at the immediate moment isn’t truly what happened— Your brain is simply overcomplicating things. Find the patterns in your behavior, like what usually triggers you, how you overcome it, etc.

   
   

Throughout the process of learning to love yourself, it's important to remember that healing isn't linear. There will always be moments when you find yourself back at step 1, right where you started. But if you keep at it and stay consistent, I'm completely confident that you will reach a point in time when you truly feel like you are deserving of love, even if it takes a while to get there!

This is my experience of self-love. I'd love to know about yours too! :)